Have you ever been at a place in your life when you needed to “let go” in order to move forward? It’s interesting how we cling to jobs, relationships, possessions, memories, and the way our lives used to be. Certainty and sameness are indeed safe, yet they can lead to staleness and disengagement in our work, relationships, and with life in general. What if when a change or new opportunity presented itself, you could approach it with passion and excitement instead of focusing on your fears, doubts and the way things used to be!
Right now I’m in a place where “letting go” is huge in my life. I’m soon moving from a beautiful home and location that my partner and I chose to move to for lifestyle 8 years ago; from special friends, colleagues, and a home we thought we would live in forever. Now due to an employment opportunity for my partner, we’re putting our house on the market and moving to a new place and home that we hadn’t planned on. We’re also downsizing from a 5-bedroom house to a 2-bedroom apartment, which has its challenges.
How can you approach life changes with an open heart, excited about a new future, and let go of negative emotions and “stuff” that no longer serves you?
William Bridges in his book Transitions – Making Sense of Life’s Changes differentiates between “change” and “transition”. He views change as situational and external, such as moving to a new city or becoming a grandparent. Transition, he emphasizes, is psychological and internal. Transition is the internal “work” we do to help redefine and reorient ourselves and incorporate external changes into our lives.
Based on over 30 years of research and work with a variety of individuals and organizations, Bridges identified 3 phases that are common to all life transitions. The 3 phases are: 1) Ending; 2) Neutral Zone; and 3) New Beginning. In each phase there are opportunities to learn and grow, and work to be done in order to move forward. This post will focus on endings and the “work” associated with the first phase. See http://creativelivingcommunity.com/life-transitions-turning-challenges-into-opportunities-2/ for details on the other phases.
According to Bridges, the “work” associated with the initial transition phase/the ending is “letting go”. Here are some strategies I, and others have found useful in “letting go” and embracing an ending.
Strategies for “Letting Go”
Write a letter to the person (partner, employer) or location you are leaving, outlining a number of positive things that you have learned from that particular job, relationship, place. Then burn the letter ceremoniously. At the same time, feel the positive things about the experience and release any resistance you may have to moving forward.
Go back over your life and think about your experiences with endings (the death of a pet, the loss of a loved one, a move or a friend moving away). Reflect on these experiences and notice if there is a pattern in how you deal with endings: Do you avoid saying goodbye? Do you quickly move on and try not to think about the experience or the feelings associated with it? Ask yourself if you are comfortable with the pattern. Has it been serving you well or would you like to change it?
Take a moment to think about one particular ending or loss you have experienced in your life. Feel it. What did it feel like for you? How has it affected how you have dealt with other endings or losses in your life? Write down your thoughts and feelings.
If you’re downsizing, moving or decluttering, a helpful strategy is to pull out all of your clothes (for example), hold each one, and notice if it brings you joy.[1] If it no longer does, thank it and then let it go and give it to someone you think may enjoy it or to someone you don’t know (e.g. women’s shelter). If it is particularly challenging to let go of something that has been gifted to you by someone special in your life, imagine someone else wearing the piece and feeling so good and special in it.
Letting go is truly an art; the more we practice it in our lives, the easier it becomes.
What strategies have you found helpful to “let go” of possessions, relationships, jobs … . I welcome your experiences and comments below. Feel free to share this post with others.
In a previous post I shared the attributes of a Balanced and Mindful Leader, one being “Understands the importance of work/life balance and models it for others http://creativelivingcommunity.com/balanced-and-mindful-leadership-what-do-you-think/. So how can you integrate work-life balance into your own life and model it for others in the workplace?
Here are some suggestions:
Personally:
Count up the number of hours you typically work in a week. Is it more than 50? (Obviously sometimes)
Make a commitment to reduce the number of hours you typically work weekly (choose a realistic number to begin with)
Experiment with a work week when you reduce your hours. Then notice how you feel. You may wish to journal about it.
Begin incorporating mindfulness practices into your personal life; e.g.
on awakening while lying in bed do a body scan from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet noticing any tension, discomfort, heaviness. Breathe into those areas of tension, discomfort or heaviness and set the intention to release and let go of them.
Start doing mindfulness walking meditations 3 times/week for 30 minutes each time. [1] Some of my clients do this at lunch hour. Others after work. Notice how you feel before, during and after. Is there a cumulative effect?
Unplug at least 90 minutes before retiring and encourage your colleagues to do the same.
Organizationally:
At work, encourage people to take breaks
Set clear expectations with your direct reports and colleagues related to NOT checking emails and answering texts on evenings and weekends. Share with them the importance of them taking time for themselves and their families
Have short meetings (up to 60 minutes max) with clearly defined agendas, and expectations so people know why they’re there, how to prepare and the expected results.
Encourage people to take lunch breaks
Support people to take regular vacations and to NOT check their emails while on vacation (set up a buddy system so staff and managers can feel that the key aspects of their positions are being covered while they are away)
Have yoga classes and/or a gym on site and participate in the classes/use the facilities yourself.
What two actions will you begin integrating into your life tomorrow?Please share those actions and any related comments below. Feel free to share this post with a friend, colleague or family member.
[1] A tool from Easter psychology that I have found extremely useful for getting “out of my head” and into my body is Mindfulness Walking Meditation. Mindfulness practices focus on the senses and feeling sensations and emotions in our bodies. When we do a mindfulness walking meditation we feel the ground beneath our feet, we feel the breeze against our face, we feel the cool air going from our nostrils down into our lungs. We smell the scent of salt or the aroma of lavender in the air and observe the scenery in front of us. We try to stay out of our minds and experience our senses. Rather than spend a walk in nature constantly thinking and processing all the things we have to do, instead we stay present and experience nature and all of its beautiful sights, smells, sounds and sensations.
The occasion of International Women’s Day provides us with an opportunity to reflect on and celebrate all those amazing women throughout history who have improved the lot of women world-wide, from getting the vote to enabling women to own their own property. It is also a time for us as women to celebrate ourselves. So often we give to others without honoring or giving to ourselves.
I challenge you to make 2016 the year when you give to and celebrate yourself.
Here are some suggestions:
At the end of each day go through the list of things you have accomplished (It’s preferable to have written them out as part of your daily plan), check each one off and as you do that feel the positive energy in your body from each accomplishment; truly celebrate YOURSELF.
Make a list of things you do to nurture yourself. Add some others that you would like to begin integrating into your life. This could include starting yoga classes three times a week, taking regular walks in nature or taking a weekly bubble bath surrounded by candles.
Make a list of the 5 people in your life who “fill you up” and energize you, and those people who “suck your energy”. Commit to spending as little time as possible with those who “drain your energy” or radiate negative energy. Spend as much time as possible with those people who “fill you up”.
Make an effort to reach out for and ask for support regularly. For many of us, especially those who are used to always helping and being there for others, this can feel uncomfortable at first. Start with something small and over time “up the ante”. Notice how you feel before, during and after reaching out and asking for support. It’s like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the easier it becomes. You may also find that people are more than happy to support you, as showing your vulnerability enables them to connect with you more easily.
One last point; remember that we are all the same. Regardless of culture, race, ethnicity, or social class we all want to be loved, to belong, to feel special and to be respected. Smile at each woman you see today. Notice what happens.
Here’s to YOU; to the wise, loving and special woman that you are!
I invite you to share how you honor and celebrate yourself below. I welcome your shares on what happens when you make smiling a regular habit in your life (if you haven’t already 🙂 ).
February is known as the month of love. During this time, many of us think of our primary relationships, of romance and of Valentine’s Day. What I know to be true is that we need to truly love ourselves before we can cultivate deep and satisfying relationships with others.
Many of us have been socialized from a young age to always give to others before ourselves. We may feel guilty if we take time for ourselves; such as having lunch with a friend, or to nurture ourselves; such as having a massage.
What happens if we constantly give to others without giving to ourselves? We may become resentful. For example, if we’re always giving to a friend, and when we ask for help, she doesn’t have time for us. We often become less tolerant and our patience wears thin so we react to our partners, children and co-workers in a reactive manner, rather than mindfully and sensitively. Over time we become exhausted. Do you relate? We all need and deserve some time for ourselves and to care for ourselves.
What activities do you regularly integrate into your life to nurture yourself?
For me doing yoga three to four times a week is extremely important. Meditating daily is also a way for me to ground and relax. Bubble baths with lavender bath salts is a self-care strategy of choice. For you, regular massages with a trusted practitioner may be your top nurturing behavior.
Make a list of the things you do already to nurture yourself. Add to the list other things you would like to begin doing. Cheryl Richardson’s best-selling book The Art of Extreme Self Care is a great resource that offers 12 strategies to transform your life one month at a time. Get into action by putting your self-care strategies in your calendar (e.g. yoga classes), and by scheduling appointments with your favorite massage therapist, or lunch with a dear friend.
Remember, YOU are precious and deserve to be nurtured.
What self-care strategies do you employ to nurture yourself? How do you feel during and after doing something for yourself? I welcome your comments and strategies below. Feel free to share this post with a friend.
December is a great month to reflect on your achievements from the current year and to set intentions for the coming year. According to William Bridges[1] (based on 30 years of research), in order to move successfully from one life transition to another, it is important to let go of any negative emotions associated with it, to celebrate the positive aspects and lessons learned from it… and to get clear on your vision for a new relationship, career, business … . The end of a year may be considered the ending of a transition and the start of a new year, a new beginning.
A process that I’ve found to be extremely useful for myself, and my clients is to answer the following questions and journal about them at the end of a year and before starting a new one.
Reflections:
What are the achievements I am most proud of in 2015?
What am I most grateful for this year?
What lessons have I learned regarding relationships, work experience, my own blind spots … over the past year?
Intentions:
What are my intentions for 2016 (in five areas)?
Personal life – i.e. What my personal life looks and feels like. Note that it is important to write your intentions in the present tense as if you have already accomplished them. For example; “I am strongly connected to myself, my gifts, my fears, my strengths. I courageously uncover any and all fears, doubts and limiting beliefs that are holding me back from standing in my true power and fulfilling my larger vision and mission … .”
Related to my Health –e. What my health looks and feels like. “I feel great! My body is toned, strong and flexible. I radiate health and vitality – physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. I do yoga and meditate regularly and live a life of balance.”
Financial – e. What my financial life looks and feels like. “ I average $_______ thousand a month in terms of income generation through Creative Life Coaching. I feel financially free and serene. I pay off my credit cards every month and my line of credit is paid off. … “
Spiritual – i.e. What my spiritual life looks and feels like. “I continue to meditate daily and deepen my ability to go within and connect with the Universal wisdom. I continue to strengthen and listen to my body’s wisdom. … “
Intellectual – i.e. What my intellectual life looks and feels like. “I am flexible, flowing and open to new ideas. I connect with my creativity easily and effortlessly. … I write and publish my first book on Creative Living this year, have a successful book launch and sell out my first printing very quickly… .”
I encourage you to experiment with the process above. Feel free to change the titles of the 5 areas suggested to ones that resonate for you. Reviewing your intentions quarterly and noting how you’re doing in relation to them, helps keep them top of mind and provides encouragement to move forward. Using your intentions as a “touch stone” at the end of each year to review your achievements is helpful.
Celebrating your accomplishments feels so good and is important to provide you with the energy and commitment to move forward and fulfill your intentions.
Best of luck reflecting on 2015 and setting bold intentions for 2016. To your health, happiness, fulfillment and inner peace!
I welcome your comments below and appreciate you sharing this post.
[1] Bridges, William. Transitions – Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Cambridge: De Capo Press, 2004.
“Celebrate” means to “publicly acknowledge (a significant or happy day or event) with a social gathering or enjoyable activity”; and “to honour or praise”. (www.oxforddictionaries.com). When we examine cultures around the world, we find that all cultures, religions and spiritual traditions have special holidays in which people gather to celebrate. Whether they be Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Eid, they all provide opportunities for us to connect with people we care about, share certain rituals, and to reflect and take time out from the busy lives many of us lead. It’s interesting that thousands of years ago, people in positions of power realized the importance of taking time out, connecting, and publicly acknowledging a remarkable person or event.
Many cultures also celebrate the birth of a child and subsequent anniversaries of their birth. Isn’t it curious in the busy lives we lead, that many of us don’t take time to celebrate ourselves, and our accomplishments?
When we get together with people we care about, we often laugh and engage in playful activity. When we laugh, we release endorphins and encourage energy to move throughout our body. In the words of Candace Pert, a neuroscientist and pharmacologist who has spent much of her scientific life studying the mind-body link:
“Play and laughter are vital to feeling good. Recreation isn’t merely a frivolous addition to life or a hard-earned reward for work…I believe that in a society driven by a strong work ethic, with so many individuals burdened with workaholism, people aren’t getting enough endorphinergic surges through the bodymind on a regular basis. For you to not be laughing and playing during some part of every day is unnatural and goes against your fundamental biochemistry.” (Everything You Need to Feel Go(o)d), 2006)
I’d like to share a couple of strategies to support you to celebrate yourself. At the end of everyday, I encourage you to reflect on your day and identify at least one thing (big or small) that you’d like to celebrate. Also, instead of going through your ‘to-do’ list and only checking off what you’ve done, or finishing a project and quickly moving on to the next, I recommend that you feel into your body and acknowledge your accomplishments.
In the video below, I share a technique I’ve found helpful to encourage those endorphinergic surges Candace Pert recommends. Try it and let me know what you experience.
I invite you to share below how you celebrate yourself and any “ahas” you’ve noticed.
